Happiness: How to thrive rather than just getting by.

Humankind, our nation, our state, town, job, church, social clubs, cliques, and our friends, all have rules that we must follow if we are to survive and be part of that group. As humans, we all have the three basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Abraham Maslow helped define those needs, along with others, into a hierarchy that would help us understand what we each need to thrive. Each segment of humankind is just a microcosm, having the characteristics of something larger, much as our cells are part of us and we need THEM to thrive in order for US to thrive. If our gut microbiome is not healthy, we exhibit symptoms. If a group of our cells isn’t healthy, we get cancer or some other malaise and they spread their sickness to other cells. On a larger scale, if one member of a society is sick, they can spread that sickness to others, thereby weakening the whole society. If a member of any prominence or a position of power has different ideas, or a mental illness, they too then can have the ability to negatively affect the collective mind of the society and therefore the long-term health of the group- physically, mentally, or both.

While I was in the Navy, I served on ships with crews of less than 200 to an aircraft carrier with more than 3000 people assigned. As a young leader, I was always astounded by how the one man at the top of the ship (the Captain) could have such a huge impact on the morale of so many, even though most of them rarely, if ever, interfaced with that person directly. I have since learned a lot more about trickle-down effects, group think, and leadership in general, but the adage that “How you do one thing is how you do everything” rings true. How an individual cell, biome, organ, or person behaves and responds to stimuli is how the larger body will behave and respond. This is why there are rules within each of these groups.

Some of the rules we follow are built in, are non-negotiable, and do not require us to think about them too much. As humans, for example, we have to eat to survive, we have to stay hydrated, and we have to sleep. As members of the United States, we have to follow federal laws or be locked out of society. If we want to stay hired by our employers, we have to show up to work on time, and to fit into a particular religious group we have to follow written and unwritten rules particular to that faith or sect. Sometimes these rules evolved from plain old survival and were based on our critter brain and reward system (i.e. dopamine) giving us positive feedback in direct response to something we did that was good. Other rules have evolved because it made it easier for the group to survive. In many AA Group meetings, for example, people are limited to speaking for 3 minutes, which helps the group survive for various reasons. Another example is many youth organizations require that the parents to rotate responsibilities for things like snacks, drinks, bringing equipment, and cleaning up, all of which ensures the group can continue to function.

Okay. So we all know that survival means following at least some rules, which rules are partially determined by where and why that rule came to be and evolved into its present form. Others are determined by which rules society deems most important. I suspect that for doctors, their oath to “do no harm” would be pretty close to the top of the rule list for that society. In others there may be some guidance to follow a set of core values, such as “honor, courage, commitment”. But that is all still just basic survival. To grow and better ourselves and our community, and to ultimately be happy (content and at peace) we have to do more than survive, we have to learn to thrive.

Have you ever seen a house plant or garden plant that looked ok, but it was obvious that it was in need of something to do better? And a few days later after some water and a little more sun, the plant is visibly thriving? It is beautiful and if you were the one to bring about that change, it feels pretty amazing. So what’s to stop you, or us, from recreating that feeling every day? Nothing. How do you thrive, then? Go back to the hierarchy of needs: After food, clothing, and shelter, we all need belonging, self-actualization/awareness, growth of knowledge, and some kind of spiritual connections, or connection to something greater than ourselves. Looking at the three facets of mind, body, and spirit, we can work on each of them just a little each day and we are bound to improve and take the first steps toward finding inner peace, and therefore happiness. In the book A Miracle Morning, Hal Elrod lays out a great path for doing that and gets your day off on the right foot.

But what about our society, our groups, our jobs, and our families?  A couple of quotes come to mind: Steven Covey says in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” and Henry David Thoreau said “It is not so desirable to cultivate a respect for law, so much as what is right". What I am saying is that if you respect the rules of your organization/society, etc., you will end up being well within the established rules, simply out of respect for the people and how these rules came to be. And, even more importantly, BE KIND. Every society values people who are kind to their fellow members. If you start your thoughts by seeking to understand the other person’s point of view and then asking yourself how you can be kind, you will find yourself richly rewarded and peaceful beyond measure.

To really thrive required for us to be happy. But that happiness has to come from within, and the way to do that is to be content and find your own inner peace. No one can do that for you, and having all the right things won't do it for you. Trying to always do YOUR best and to do the right thing is the best start any of us can take.

If you need help creating healthy lifestyle changes or your miracle morning, reach out to see if working with a coach could help you.